Another year. Another decade. Another satirical article.
This time, I’m tackling what is on every person’s mind around this time of the year: “where are my gift receipts?”
Wait! Don’t close this page just yet.
Granted, I can’t help you return unwanted gifts to their original stores, but I can spell out what the stars above have in store for you this year.
Yes, I’m taking a stab (literally) at astrology, and I hope you enjoy my amateur attempt.
Warning: this article contains 98% satire, and 2% useful information loosely related to personal finance.
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
By all appearances, you’re in total control of your finances, but secretly you’re low-key panicking over the possibility of an imminent World War III.
As an ambitious go-getter, you’re dying to load up on bitcoins, stockpile jars of peanut butter, and turn your basement into a fallout shelter. Still, another part of you is highly skeptical of a horoscope telling you what to think and do.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Remember your celestial spirit animal?
No, not the bull. I’m talking about a dog that “oops, ate my credit card bills, Mr. Debt Collector.”
2020 is the year you will finally toss the image of a sexy free spirit to the wayside to reinvent yourself as a frugal badass.
Your vision of frugality will involve avocado toasts and skinny lattes, but you’re doing your best, so feel free to tell the naysayers to shove it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Frankly, I’d be a tad surprised if any Gemini actually finds the time out of their busy lives to read this silly article.
So I’ll make this one super-duper short: rock on!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
You are ruled by the Moon, my friend. Whatever that means.
People will be worshipping you as their financial and spiritual role model for how you handle your utility bills with the sensitivities of an elven monarch.
A surprising opportunity will drop in your lap this year, and your commitment to your budget will be tested. Those who pass the test will run high with Full Moon. Whatever that means.
Leo (July 23 – August 22):
Thy 2020 shall be filled with debt-free roars, e’en as thy social obligations continue to overwhelm thou.
‘Tis tough to be the life of the party and save 20% of thy take-home pay each period, yet thou somehow fare.
As thou bask ‘i the spotlight atop the pedestal, do not forget to contribute to thy investment accounts as anon as possible.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
You’ve already topped up your emergency fund, automated bill payments, and updated your financial spreadsheets.
The logical next step is to host money meetings with your roommate and pet owl Minerva, but you struggle to open up.
If only Minerva could read your PowerPoint presentation on the state of your family finances on its own.
Libra (September 23 – October 22):
As an air sign represented by the only inanimate object of the zodiac – a scale, your exquisite focus on balancing the life of a connoisseur and saving a pretty penny is commendable.
You’ve been eyeing that art deco lamp for a while now, and that Hermès clutch, and that membership in the local wine club.
While it might be futile to resist the temptation to indulge in finer things, if you wait to treat yourself after accomplishing a major goal, the reward would feel sweeter.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
Your 2020 spending will seem strange, to you and others.
To quote a “real” horoscope:
“Whether you are a youth saving for a new item or an affluent elder, you will need to be sure that the financial train does not run in and out of your wallet with great speed.”
There’s no way I can top that.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
Sagittarians’ thirst for knowledge knows no bound.
We are in the midst of the longest bull market ever, but I bet you’ve already combed the Internet in an attempt to find the precise timing of the next recession, down to the hour.
Before you add more personal finance books to your online shopping cart, just know that it is completely natural that your net worth ebbs and flows with the movements of the cosmic energy particles (which I completely made up just now).
As long as you invest in quality companies and shy away from panic selling during a recession, you will be alright!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
The legends say that 2020 marks the beginning of a new life cycle for Capricorns.
The Lady Fortuna will bestow upon you an overabundance of happiness, wealth, luck, beauty, and Twitter followers.
Your complexion will be flawless.
Your spouse will start washing dishes without being asked.
Your car will slowly transform into a Tesla Cybertruck.
And your investments will grow at the speed of your Tesla Cybertruck.
Can you tell that I’m a Capricorn yet?
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):
Conventional horoscope will claim that your very own Joe Goldberg will slide into your DMs in 2020.
Make no mistake, it’s just a love scammer trying to get you to wire them a couple thousand dollars so they can “fly out of Vienna International Airport.”
But someone as resourceful as you already know that.
So you do a reverse image Google search of their profile photo, and send them a screenshot of the results, with the incredulous caption, “OMG, I think people have been stealing your identity! Call the cops now!”
At least you get a few chuckles out of this whole ordeal.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
Before you make any financial decisions, listen to suggestions. Your friends will guide you towards the right path, except the ones who don’t. At the same time, trust your own instincts, but maybe not.
Am I being sufficiently ambiguous?
Oh yeah, the winds will blow heavily around the following dates: February 7th, February 19th, February 25th, and September 29th.
Whatever you do, avoid initiating new positions until you’re past these periods.
Don’t ask me why.
I read from another horoscope that I’m supposed to include this part to be considered “legit.”